Kids: Words, Thoughts, and Love

Over the last several months, I have committed to weekly networking lunches with women from all walks of life.

In committing to and opening myself up for these conversations, I have been amazed at all that I have learned as a result. One such conversation led me to the book Quantum Success by Christy Whitman. I will probably need to spend months (maybe a year. seriously.) reading and re-reading this book to even begin to digest its contents, but there was been one specific point that immediately did flips in my mind: the power of thoughts.

“Our thoughts are like seeds, and our minds are like a fertile field of soil that will nourish any seed we plant within it – whether it’s a seed from a beautiful rosebush or the seed of a pernicious weed” (p 52). And with thoughts come accompanying emotions, which we think about, and feel about, and think about – creating a “feedback loop” which can intensify so strongly that it manifests as a chronic mood, for better or for worse. (p 52)

As I read this, suddenly phrases from this morning’s edition of redirecting and breaking up fights between my two oldest sons began flooding my mind.

“Stop! You are not being a good big brother!” I had said, as I pried my oldest off of my middle. I cannot even remember what they were fighting over at this point. It’s like World War III between them these days.

Groaaaaan. “I’m just a terrible big brother! I am mean and bad; I’m just a bad boy.” *door slam*

First of all, are we serious – is he only five? I thought that stuff started at, like, 13.

But aside from that – if his words are any indication of his thoughts and feelings (which they are), then we need a serious intervention. And of course, these thoughts and feelings came directly from, – wait for it – MY words! I probably say some iteration of this very statement repeatedly throughout most days… and honestly “you’re not being a good big brother” probably falls on the nice end of the spectrum (since we’re being honest).

Suddenly every word I spoke rang in my mind with such paucity, such responsibility.

These are the words that will impact their thoughts about my love for them and their thoughts about themselves.

Unsure really of how to break this cycle, something nudged me to pick up a book that I bought months ago but never started reading: The 5 Love Languages of Children, written by Gary Chapman, author of the popular The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to a Love that Lasts. 

My kids will always be a bit of a mystery to me, but I will say that this book helped me to cue into ways that they, without knowing it, are telling me exactly what they need to feel loved.

I immediately identified that my oldest needs physical touch and words of affirmation, and my middle needs words of affirmation and quality time.

The realization that both my boys need words of affirmation, and that my use or failure to use these words as an avenue to express my love will directly impact their thoughts and feelings about themselves: that is some heavy stuff right there.

But luckily, my children are so forgiving and responsive, that as I made a conscious effort to say things more intentionally, I immediately saw a shift. When I made it a point to compliment his perfect R, he wasn’t as offended when I asked him to re-write his backwards 3. And the next time my oldest slammed himself in his room in a huff, I went in and gave him a big, tight hug, and then I talked with him about how he was treating his brother. Somehow the hug (physical touch) brought him back to planet earth and helped him to actually hear me. What is even more interesting is that since then, he has been asking for hugs, telling me when he needs them.

So, today I am appreciating the nuggets I have read and learned as a result of my commitment to talk and explore.

Today I am appreciating the nudges that come at just the right moments.

Today I am appreciating how responsive and loving and spirited my kids are; how intuitive they are; how quickly they respond to shifts in the energy I emit.

And today I am appreciating that every moment is an opportunity to do better. Because I’ll be honest, even after these “moments of break through” there have already been moments of regression. And so I appreciate that one moment of regression is not the be-all end-all, so long as I intentionally shift the feedback loop.