Motherhood: A Constant Work in Progress

I guess nearing Mothers Day is as good a time as any to write about my thoughts on motherhood. Around this time last year I had just started to feel like I had found a sense of “me” again after having two babies within a year of each other. After four years, I felt a semblance of “you got this” in my life, and I ventured to start a blog in an attempt to get myself out there and try something outside of my 9-5. I am a millennial after all – isn’t non-conventional what Millennial do? Or is blogging now conventional?

I should clarify for those who have read my meltdown post: when I say I felt a sense of “you got this,” it wasn’t in reference to mothering. I read blogs and chats and posts, and it really appears that mothering does truly come naturally to many women… I will say I have the “love so much it hurts” part of motherhood down, but everything else is just a work in progress. When I felt a sense of “you got this” – it was more in reference to feeling through the juggling act. My husband and I had finally managed to fall into a routine, and the routine included self care for both of us, in addition to two full-time jobs and getting our two boys to their destinations on time and intact.

And no sooner did I start my blog – my attempt at branching out, did I find out that we were expecting number 3.

Those first few months of my pregnancy were rough to say the least. I owe very much of my normal day-to-day stability to the luxury of taking my ADD medication, and suddenly without any weaning, I was told I could not take it. If you are a fellow Vyvanse fan, please know that Vyvanse has some crazy withdrawal symptoms! Constant hunger, inability to focus on anything, and for me – depressed mood on top of all the rest. For anyone who has been pregnant, these symptoms can also be a part of the first trimester of pregnancy, so I will say that for that first trimester, I truly thought I was losing my mind. It is hard for me to write these words as I sit across from my sweet little one now, but I was not happy about being pregnant. There were days when I was actually quite pissed. I had just lost a lot of weight (100 lbs!), just found myself in the best shape of my life, just started really establishing myself at work, just begun to feel like I had a direction in life, and then I got pregnant and couldn’t take my focus drug.

When you have kids, no matter how much self care you implement, the kids will always come first. There is a part of you that you sacrifice for their benefit.

After begrudgingly starting an antidepressant, I slowly worked out of my depressed slump and did what I could to enjoy and savor this pregnancy. I kept to my good health habits of eating reasonably, packing lunches and snacks to avoid an 80lb weight gain again, and committing to 1-2 workouts a week. I managed to implement a tailored down version of my slow and steady, and I am grateful that I did. I worked like a crazy person up until just hours before delivering. As contractions were starting, I was directing co-workers to make sure the work was in order before I left… But as soon as I left my office, I shut off my work brain and vowed to leave it off for the next 12 weeks. I weighed at 50lbs less than my final weigh in for my first two pregnancies. Baby came super quick, and in those few hours, my world was transformed.

Welcome to the world, Joshua Daniel. Call me crazy, but I am pretty sure this child knows me better than I do myself. There is something so special about him. In a matter of hours, my heart tripled in size. I can’t quite explain it. I am so sorry I hated those first few months. Mommy can be crazy at times.

And there you have it. The constant work in progress that is motherhood. The constant push and pull of care for self and love of your children. They don’t always go together as easily as some might say. For some, the balance is intuitive. For me, it’s a constant re-calibration.

Maternity Leave with numero tres has been more than just care for the babe. This time has allowed me to see what should have been clear as day previously: my kids need much more from me than I have been giving. My kids need me to mother-up and figure life out with them. My kids need me to give that which I do not have. They need more than a love so strong it hurts, although I will say that’s a good start.

I sat with my husband the other day musing over my job, and how it’s so much that I can’t find balance. In one short sentence he laid it all out for me: “It’s not the job, it’s just you.” Call this confessions of a perfectionist, or confessions of a workaholic… I have allowed my family to fall short of their deserving place. Likely because motherhood doesn’t come naturally to me, whereas my job does. Working at something that doesn’t come naturally requires that I push myself outside of my comfort zone and risk failure, coming up short, needing to step back and re-calibrate, needing to learn from (gulp) others.

Hello, My name is Mollie. I am a working mom. Scratch that. I am a mother – a work in progress mother. I doubt I’ll ever tell you otherwise.  But I am here to grow and I vow to savor the growth that is to come.